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Entry tags:
- [comm] lastvoyages,
- did james bond just have an emotion,
- do not ever follow this man's example,
- fight it out,
- fuck talking,
- god he needs therapy,
- he's going drinking after this,
- i hate feelings,
- lets talk about how useless i feel,
- missing her was dark gray all alone,
- mouthy little aussie,
- prepare for the healthiest coping,
- professionals
♠ | 025 | Voice
[No video, this time, because he's still fucking angry. He can control the edge in his voice just barely - he can't control the glower. And he has yet to clean up his shattered Item, the second time he's broken it against a wall of his flat.
When he clicks on the audio, he sounds angry, but you might believe that he's managing it just fine. Might.]
Ellie's vanished.
[And that's all. He's not one for elaboration.]
[Private to Natasha]
Busy?
When he clicks on the audio, he sounds angry, but you might believe that he's managing it just fine. Might.]
Ellie's vanished.
[And that's all. He's not one for elaboration.]
[Private to Natasha]
Busy?
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[Maybe it is. He'd really rather Bond didn't tell him he was crazy, too, though. There's almost a guarantee that Bond is crazier.]
[He presses his face into Bond's knee and groans, curling up closer. Fuck this death toll, though.]
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Here? Not really.
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Maybe one day I'll demand blood vengeance, just to fuck with people. See what happens.
[No he won't. Probably.]
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I'm sure everyone would be shocked and appalled. I can think of a few who might be excited by the prospect. You'd have to provide popcorn.
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[He relaxes into Bond's touch, maybe even smirks a little at the sharp exhale. It feels better, though. He doesn't feel so alone, like this.]
You wouldn't be shocked and appalled, though, I bet.
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No. I'm more often doing the shocking and appalling.
[Someone has to, and he's very good at it.]
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[This is not strictly speaking true. But it's a white lie.]
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I've seen you shocked and appalled.
[It's okay. He doesn't shock and appall himself, but he knows there were better ways to go about some of the things he's done.]
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You need to stop getting killed.
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["Only."]
Just . . . hurt, other times.
Re: spam
Stop that, too.
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[This is a frank, honest question. He does not understand why.]
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Because I don't want you getting hurt.
[He wishes he was drunk, so he could let that be an excuse. Instead, he has to force the frank answer in response to the frank question.]
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[He doesn't let Bond get away with it. Just stares at him with dark, wide eyes, a little confused, a little pleased.]
But sometimes it's the best way to get things done. You get hurt all the time.
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Do you really want to be like me?
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[His response, in turn, is instant. Intense. Perfectly honest. Yes. Cassel wants to be like him, flaws and all. Broken parts and all. Ugliness and all.]
[You don't just love people for their good parts. You love people for all of them. That's what he's learned here. And Bond has taught him more than he will ever suspect.]
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Downing the gin, he lets it burn all the way down. It's been years since it made his spine tingle on the way.]
I want you to be better.
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I am better. I'm better than I've ever been.
You helped me get better. Why wouldn't I want to be like you?
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[And he is refilling his glass again, don't you dare say a fucking word.
He didn't join the military or MI6 to be idolized. He didn't do it to be a hero. He did ti to take advantage of the security budget, to curb his violent tendencies with his noble ones, to do work that needed to be done. He's lived in the shadows all this time, and Cassel wants to be like him.
It is, he thinks, more frightening than an outnumbered shoot out has ever been.]
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[The thing is, Bond isn't a hero to him. Not like that. Just - a man who does bad things, but does good things, too. Who tries, most of the time, and never forgets how to try even when he isn't trying right at the moment. Someone to respect, even if not idolize.]
[But he can't put any of this into words. He struggles, almost speaks, and then sighs, letting his head rest still on Bond's knee.]
[Eventually:] Sorry. [Quiet as a mouse.]
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His hand stays on Cassel's head, almost as if he doesn't realize it's there. If he thinks too hard about the way his thumb occasionally moves over the back of the boy's skull, he'll run.
That's all it is, really. He always runs.
He ought to say something else. He knows the words he could say, but they feel too powerful, too big to fit across his tongue. So he lets those words float away and, as ever, says very little.]
It's not the best way to get things done.
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[Just yeah, like it's a word that means anything rather than just being a couple of phonemes slammed together because it's convenient. Cassel doesn't know if he agrees or disagrees. He doesn't know any other way to be, or any other way to want to be.]
[He does know, after a few more moments, that he's falling asleep, in that fuzzy, distant way that people realize their own exhaustion. He should probably say something to Bond before the weight of his head gets too heavy, before he gets shoved away. Before Bond runs.]
[He doesn't say a word.]
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