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[lastrat]

[This is not the face of a man well content with life. This is the face of a man pissed off at having slept for God knows how long.]

First he puts me to sleep for weeks, then he asks me to look after a child. I'm beginning to wonder if he actually expects redemption.

Weren't we just in port? [Fuck this ride, fuck the Admiral, grump grump grump.]

[Private to Ellie]

Meet me in the gym.

[Private to the Admiral]

I would comment on the fact that I'm a grown man and haven't written a letter to Father Christmas in decades, but I've the feeling it will fall on deaf ears.

Take your letters and sod off.

[And because he literally cannot resist, a check list.]

Vesper	.....	something for the cat to take a spin in.
Cassel	.....	a tailored suit. a bottle of fleur de champagne. condoms. [There was nose wrinkling.]
Peter	.....	a new camera. extra film/memory cards.
Chris	.....	a pomeranian.
Ellie	.....	something for the bloody sheep.
Selina	.....	the most expensive piece of art in the world. a french-english dictionary.
Elena	.....	twilight. [because he could do a thoughtful gift but why when he can bring sparling vampires into her life.]
Daneca	.....	copious alcohol. a martini glass. no - six martini glasses. she has to catch up.
Stark	.....	a toy sword. with plastic flames. lights up. etc.
Lark	.....	a stuffed dog.
Bush	.....	ship in bottle. hms nonsuch along its side.
Babs	.....	a little first aid kit. with a sign that reads 'FOR WOUNDED PRIDE' on top.
Natasha	.....	some russian cold war gadget. something ridiculous.
Abigail	.....	something with crocodile skin. boots, purse, i don't care.
Archer	.....	an invisible gun. maybe he'll shoot himself.
Esther	.....	a dead rat. [Because he will always be the last rat standing >(]

Comments

private

[lastrat]

[It's a loss he can understand very well, not just from years old experiences as a soldier, but more recently. He already misses M.

He nods slowly.]

You'd be mad if you didn't. Tell me about them.

private

[inhell]

Fi - Fiona - she's my best mate, now. [ Now that Robyn and Corrie are dead. And Ellie feels deeply wretched at the thought, and all of its connotations. ] When we were in New Zealand, I could hardly stand to have her out of my sight, at first.

She looks so delicate, like a little faerie, but she's really, I don't know, really strong. Maybe stronger than any of us.

private

[lastrat]

People have a way of surprising you like that. How was she, in New Zealand?

private

[inhell]

We were all messes. They tried to have us speak to schools, for the war effort, and it was a meltdown on stage. Fi did okay after the first time, I think she prepared, but the rest of us... I think Homer shouted at an eight-year-old.

private

[lastrat]

[He's seen his share of PTSD and the like. It's not surprising, that these kids should suffer even after rescue.]

I'd have refused. [His work has always been out of the public light, fortunately.

...Save that one time he blew up an embassy.] Why did you agree to it?

private

[inhell]

Didn't seem like the sort of thing... I don't know. They stopped asking us, after a few times.

spam

[lastrat]

[He nods silently, watching her. After a pause, he goes back to the subject.]

Tell me about the ones you lost.

spam

[inhell]

[ A pause, then: ]

You know, some people rise up to meet danger, but some people just let it swallow them? [ She glances to him for confirmation. ] Homer was one of the first kind. He was daft, invented this game called Greek Roulette where you go around bashing your head against windows in turn, and if the window breaks on your skull you have to pay. And he lit trails of kerosene across the road to frighten passing cars.

But when everything started, he really became responsible, grown-up. He started figuring out what to do next. He was our strength.

Chris was the second kind.

He started drinking. Whenever we'd hide in a house, he'd raid their grog, you could smell it on him. Before noon, even. Or when we were planning to attack or sneak past something. He started writing in his notebook all the time, this crazy poetry - these images. It was really good. But he never talked to anyone about it. Finally we went off without him for a while, and we got delayed at the other end.

When we came back, we found him dead. Pinned. He didn't even die right away. Nobody killed him, it wasn't a battle. He was just gone.

spam

[lastrat]

[He nods at her question, then just listens. He carefully puts M out of mind, because this is about remembering her losses, not his. So he lets her words sink in, because those boys should be remembered for what they did. James would have idolized actions like that, when he was a boy. Not that he'd have admitted to it.]

And Robyn? Corrie?

spam

[inhell]

Corrie was my best friend.

[ She wipes at her eyes. ]

We came back from blowing up the bridge so happy. It was our first real strike. We'd made a difference. And when we came back she'd been shot.

Kevin took her to the hospital. She went in a coma, and then she never - woke up.

We grew up together, you know? Ellie and Corrie. It was always both of us, and then she was gone. Just a grave.

spam

[lastrat]

[There is a disconnect in his mind between how he would treat a child and how he would treat a soldier. She is both, and he can't offer her comfort because she has seen the worst the world can offer. Neither can he be too harsh, because she didn't sign up for the war she fought in: she had no idea what she was getting into.

He exhales slowly, nods. He can't say he's ever had someone like that - his childhood, before his parents' accident, was wonderful an isolated. No best friends. The closest he ever had had come much later in life, and certainly hadn't left as good an impression. He doesn't try to relate on a personal level. It's more important that she have someone to listen.

To remember them.]

That's what they don't prepare you for, in training. How easily the people standing with you can just disappear.

[He falls silent, lets that be the prompt - to say more about Corrie, or to move on to Robyn.]

spam

[inhell]

[ She nods, tightly.

It doesn't feel like it all makes sense. Corrie just died. It wasn't some big dramatic thing. She disappeared, life went on, and then she was dead, and life still had to go on. And now Ellie has this big gaping hole where Corrie and Robyn used to be, and she doesn't know how she survives, how she goes on minute by minute, but she does. ]

I miss them. [ Her voice breaks, a little. ]

spam

[lastrat]

I know. [Because she wouldn't be properly sane if she didn't. Because loss is never easy. He pushes off the fence, moves to sit next to her on the hay bale.]

Nothing I say will change that. I can't bring them back. The lot of you never should have been in that war.

spam

[inhell]

War's not something that just touches adults.

[ She wipes her tears away. ]

We were all in the war. All of Australia.

spam

[lastrat]

Would you do any of it differently? [He watches the sheep, rather than look at her, affording her some small amount of privacy with her tears.]

spam

[inhell]

Little things. Tell Corrie not to go out, not that time - I would never have left Chris alone.

spam

[lastrat]

[He does look at her, now.]

But you'd still fight?

spam

[inhell]

Yeah.

I mean - what else is there?

spam

[lastrat]

You could have stayed in New Zealand. You didn't have to fight at all. No one would have held it against a group of teenagers, if you'd decided to surrender instead.

[His tone is carefully neutral, but he's watching her for a potential blow up.]

spam

[inhell]

[ She actually hadn't thought of that, in terms of making different choices. It hits her like a bucket of ice water when he says it. No explosion, no blow-up - she just starts shivering, shaking like the ice water was real. ]

I didn't want to go at first. I screamed a bit.

But I knew we'd go. We had to go.

spam

[lastrat]

[He notices, and shifts slightly, unlacing his hands between his legs after a moment and settling his hand on her shoulder.]

Why didn't you surrender? Avoid everything.

spam

[inhell]

[ She can't even respond to that. She just looks at him aghast. Surrender! Absolutely not. ]

spam

[lastrat]

[He can't help the small smile at the look on her face. He squeezes her shoulder and with draws his arm.]

I see. Have you ever given up on anything?

spam

[inhell]

Of course I have.

But not on my country.

Not when giving up means going into one of those camps, and laboring for people who stole our land and our houses. Or getting killed, maybe, and no one caring.

spam

[lastrat]

[He has difficulty, parsing parts of her file, because there is a grim smile on his face as he nods.]

I'd have done the same. At your age, I might have done worse. [That won't make this easy. Helping her find redemption for something he has difficulty holding against her will be tough.]